12 Practical Tips To Manage Your Anger
1) Catch It Early
Become familiar with the early signs of anger that manifest within your body. It may be a slight increase in your heart rate or the raising of your voice, the clenching of your fist or the frustrated tapping of your foot. Paying attention to the early signs of anger will increase your consciousness whilst angry.
2) Do The Opposite
When you become angry your brain sends signals to your body preparing it for battle. However, if you can relax your body than you can begin to take control of the situation, as a person cannot be both relaxed and tense at the same time. So, when you have identified the early signs, do the opposite. If your heart rate is becoming faster then take deep breathes to slow it down, if your voice is raising make a conscious effort to speak in a lower and more calm tone. Relax the muscles that have become tense throughout your body, for example your jaw, shoulders and hands.
3) Take Deep Breaths
Practice the act of breathing. As cliché as it may sound some of the best answers are the simplest ones. When you are angry you need to breathe. Take a deep breath in through your nose for 4 seconds, allowing the air to fill up your stomach. After, exhale with pursed lips in a controlled manner through your mouth for 8 seconds. The exhaling part of the exercise is where your muscles relax so make sure it is controlled and be aware of what you’re feeling physically. Make a conscious effort to relax your muscles as you breathe out.
4) Pause
Often, when confronted with an issue we believe that we have to react
immediately. Often, this is not the case. Pause, take a breath, walk away, say “I need some time to think about this”. Allow yourself to gather your thoughts and cool down. Reacting straight away when angry is almost always problematic.
5) Identify Your Emotions
The great thing about deep breathing is that when we start to get agitated, it takes us back into our bodies rather than our clogged-up minds. As your body begins to relax ask yourself what is it that you’re really feeling? Think of anger as a secondary emotion and ask your gut what lies underneath the anger? Do you feel Sad? Rejected? Disrespected? Devalued? Embarrassed? Stupid? Scared? It could be one or a combination of a few, but identifying what we feel will allow us to understand what we need.
So, the next time someone cuts in front of you whilst driving, explore the feelings underneath the anger. Are you feeling scared? Disrespected? Embarrassed? If you need a moment to pull over and re-calibrate, then do so. It’s better to be late than to drive disorientated. Imagine how disastrous that could be!
6) Increase Your Emotional Intelligence
As time has passed, I have grown more skeptical of the old saying that was taught to us as children “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” , or some other variation depending on what part of the English-speaking world you may be from. However, this statement cannot be further from the truth. Words can hurt. They can leave deep scars and plant seeds of insecurity. If you were raised in an environment that didn’t fully accept emotions, chances are that you have a limited emotional vocabulary and may find it hard to name your feelings. Seeing a therapist can really help to identify your feelings better, in order to heal wounds and repair old damage. The saying comes to mind;
“if you don’t heal what hurt you,
you’ll bleed on those who didn’t cut you”. – Unknown,
7) Categorise Your Anger
Ask yourself on scale of 0-10 how angry do I really feel? When anger becomes habitual and our go to emotion, we can often reach 100 without realising it. Categorising our anger allows us to be more objective and question the anger. How serious is this issue? Is it worth it?
8) Communicate
Express your anger. Many people learn coping mechanisms and eventually become overwhelmed by the intensity of their emotions, as they haven’t communicated their needs. Our anger is trying to communicate to us. It’s telling us that we need something or that a boundary has been crossed. Learning to communicate our needs more effectively is a key part for long term anger management. Identify what it is that you’re really feeling and use ‘I’ statements to express it, accompanied by a clear request.
– Observe the situation and what is bothering you
– Say how it makes you feel
– Identify and state the need that is connected to the feeling
– Make the request
For example;
“Adam, when I see your jacket on the chair with your shoes and socks in the middle of the hall way, I feel irritated as I am needing more order in the house. Would you be willing to put your jacket and shoes in the closet and your socks either in the washing basket or your room?
9) Empathise
Try to understand the perspective of the other party. They too have needs
and feelings. Trying to understand their side will take you out of your own
mind. Often in times of conflict the ability to communicate effectively to
another person that we understand and value their feelings can be a powerful technique to deescalate problem situations. This doesn’t mean that we agree with them or discount our own needs, rather it spares the person from the frustrations of not being heard. By modelling empathy we hope to receive it from the other party to and intern reach a comprise that is a win-win for both.
10) Brace Yourself
Be prepared for not receiving the response that you wanted, so you are not caught of guard. If this happens then again identify the signs of anger and repeat the steps previously mentioned. We must learn to become comfortable, or at the very least less aggravated by the physiological changes that takes place within our bodies whilst angry. Sometimes things won’t go our way even if it be completely unjust. We don’t have a divine right to have things our way so we need to learn to sit in the uncomfortable feeling, knowing well that it will pass eventually, rather than giving in or falling into the trap of anger.
11) Think Of The Consequences
Reflect on the consequences of your anger, that which you have already felt and also that which may happen if you continue responding in an angry way. Has it led to jail time? Has you partner left you? Have you pushed away family members or friends? Have you lost a job or other opportunities in your life? Get a piece of paper and write them down. Write down;
– What happened?
– How has it impacted you?
– How has it left you feeling?
– What you could have done in hindsight?
Allow your imagination to go into the future as well and think about what could happen if you continue. The more detailed and personal you can make it the better the deterrent it will be for you when things don’t go your way and when anger raises its ugly head.
12) Progression Not Perfection
Loosing your temper after you’ve tried can feel really disheartening and even make you more angry. But don’t stop trying. Learning to control your anger can be like learning to Ice skate. At first your just about holding on to the sides trying not to fall, eventually it becomes easier and you get more comfortable, but every now and then even the best skaters fall. You got to dust yourself of and try again. Similarly, stopping the urge to not lash out, scream, hit something can feel like you’re just about holding on, but over time you will get better at it.
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